[insert the
usual self-flagellation and apologies about how long it’s been since I posted here... moving
on]
Hey,
remember how I’m totally driving phobic* and it took me forever to get my
driver’s license?** Well, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how far I am
from that time. It’s been about ten-ish years since I finally got my license
(after flunking the driving test the first time, as an adult with a new baby, and
feeling utterly humiliated). I drive most everywhere I need to drive these
days, but I don’t drive into Baltimore. At all.*** Thanks to the GPS, I also
drive a few places where I’ve never been and I’ve even survived getting lost a
few times. I’m so much more functional when it comes to driving that I don’t actually
even have to think about my fear on a regular basis.
But then things
happen that remind me, and I’m back to remembering what a quivering mess I can
be when it comes to driving.
Yesterday
was our homeschool co-op’s winter showcase (a social gathering where the kids
show off cool stuff they’ve done), and I’d been secretly hoping all day that it
would simply be postponed so I wouldn’t have to drive through potentially
dangerous, slushy, and slick weather to get to somewhere I’ve never driven
before (a major trigger for my fear). But the weather held off, so I had no
excuse to not go. It was only mildly raining when we headed out and got on the
freeway.
My windshield
wiper made a couple weird noises and wasn’t working great, but at least it was
working, so I just carried on and gripped the steering wheel a little tighter
as I listened to my GPS (I had, of course, already read all the directions in preparation
for the drive) and as it started raining a bit more. Then, as things were going
along smoothly, suddenly my windshield wiper pivoted, popped off, and flew past
me into the road (sorry, driver behind me!).
Well, of
course my adrenaline shot up and I mentally freaked out, but I think I did a
surprisingly good job of sounding calm as I asked one of the kids to offer us a
prayer of safety. Meanwhile, I leaned over so that I could see through the
windshield at least a little, and I tried to adjust my driving so that I didn’t
steer into another lane.
Long story
short: We made it to the activity safely, but I was internally panicking and
trying to figure out how we were going to get home. I looked around the co-op
group for anyone who knew how to fix windshield wipers, but I didn’t explain
things well, and no one could help. I looked up an auto supply store nearby (it
was only a four-minute drive away) and considering driving there to pick up a
part. But I was honestly too panicked right then to be willing to make even
that tiny drive (and also I really didn’t want to miss Coriel’s choir
performance; that was pretty much the only reason we went in the first place).
So I texted
Brice, who was at a meeting that he needed to be at (stake conference), and he
ended up coming to my rescue.**** He came, bought the part, fixed it, and
helped take care of the kids until the end of the activity.
And then I
had to drive back home (because of course Brice couldn’t drive both cars). In
the dark. In the rain. On a badly lit, badly marked freeway section that I
rarely drove. But at least I had working windshield wipers!
By the time
we got home, I had to hide in the bathroom and take deep breaths for a while.
So that’s
how I know the phobia isn’t gone, but it’s also so much more manageable than it
used to be, and I’m really grateful for that. (Although, who knows? Pretty soon
I’m going to have to learn to drive on the left side of the road, so the situation
is ripe for plenty more trauma!)
The End
* If this is the first time you’re checking in on the subject, I’m not talking about
a minor inconvenience here. I’m talking about how I was diagnosably phobic
about driving for many years and how I have only overcome it slowly and now it
is more of an inconvenience most of the time, but it still keeps me from doing
a lot of things that I wish I were okay with doing.
** Full
disclosure: It didn’t start out as a blinding phobia. It started out as not
having good enough eyesight, not having practiced driving enough, a strong
discomfort with driving, and not having money or oomph to deal with any of these
things. The debilitating phobia built up over the next few years.
*** I did
once, trying to be brave, and it was a white knuckle disaster that involved a
terrible, terrifying blind left turn and almost backing into a lady with a
stroller. That pretty much ended my Baltimore driving days.
**** And
yes, I feel utterly idiotic about that and I had to remind myself multiple
times that I’m not a total loser and that I really am so much better about
driving than I used to be, and Brice was very kind about it and very
reassuring, but it’s hard to talk over the voices in someone else’s head, you
know?
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